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November 26th, 2009

Thankful

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Wow. I am overwhelmed with emotion this morning.

I've spent the last half hour crying tears of joy. I know it seems silly, but when my body doesn't have a reaction for an emotion, the tears start pouring.

I am so damn happy.

This is a happy that transcends my circumstances. I don't have a job. I'm not altogether sure if I'll have enough $$ to pay my rent on time this month. Doesn't even matter. I'll do my best, that's for sure, but I just... can't let it get me down.

Last night, I went out with my sister for her birthday. For the FIRST time, I did not feel insecure or nervous in the places she likes to hang out. I was able to see the situation, and myself IN it for what it truly was. There are a lot of sad, broken people in those places- and for a change- I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!

I don't think I have to be as skinny, as "pretty," or as DRUNK as those girls are anymore! A shift has occurred. I still prefer NOT to be in those places where everyone is posturing and competing for attention... but now, I have perspective.

I've seen myself through someone else's eyes for a change. I can look at myself and see the girl who is "cute" even when she's looking like a hot mess. I see myself as the positive person who can find the good in any situation. I see myself as capable, smart, kind and funny.

I finally am able to realize all the things that I am- that people have been telling me all along. Why didn't I listen? Who knows? But I'm listening now. And I'm SO GRATEFUL for those of you who have been telling me.

I know, that even if my life and current situations don't work out the way I want them to... I have something to take with me from this period in my life. Perspective. The ability to see myself for what I TRULY AM.

Thank you.

November 23rd, 2009

A Beautiful Mess

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Sometimes only somebody else can say exactly what you're thinking. I've been sitting around today thinking- and since I'm all by myself... the thoughts are taking free reign. I just haven't had a way to put some of my thoughts into words- then I was watching Jason Mraz's "Beautiful Mess- Live on Earth" and this song came on. This song has always meant a lot to me- all the way since March/April when I had my big revelation about life and love and how love might actually fit into my life... I know that situation worked out as it was meant to be. I know that it could never have been more than what it was. It was painful. The pain is always the reason I take the easy way out. For some reason, in that situation, I ran headlong into the pain, knowing what a bad idea it was. That kind of snapped something.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy


I put on the strong face- because when I finally open up- I open myself up to pain. I've had enough of that. On the other hand I know, that I'm only open to the joy when I'm open to the pain. I can't convince myself that I need to feel both... so I feel nothing.

And based on your body language,
And shouted cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is


I've started to see how difficult it is for others to understand what's going on with me, when I don't even know myself. I've always given myself a lot of leeway to think, believe and feel however I wanted. I feel like if I don't have that, I'm depriving myself of some reality- something that I should really be living out. What is this life, but a collection of messes and screw-ups and beautiful moments and bursts of joy? I can't just have the good feelings without having the bad feelings too. Sometimes in the middle of that, though, I get caught up in the bad ones. And somehow those are the ones I remember. I've been working on that filter- learning to harness the good and forget the bad.

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses


That is life. A beautiful mess. There's ALWAYS going to be something difficult lurking around the corner of something beautiful, and vice versa. When I think about thet mess in my life, I can see so many ways it's opened up into beauty after enough time... Anger becomes sympathy, hurt becomes empathy... understanding.

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are


I've been trained to hear the sharp, stinging edge of a compliment. I think that people are talking about me behind my back when I can't hear them... and that what they're saying is bad. I have moments and days where I can't believe who I am, and how much the people around me truly love and admire me-- but when I honestly look around me with open eyes and an open heart and mind... I see AMAZING people- giving me their love, and accepting mine in return.

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging


Well, I just couldn't sum that up any better. That's me all over. :)

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes


Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

I torture myself and beat myself up and think so hard... I get angry, and frustrated and I cry and I fight. Even so, after all that mess... it all comes back to good. What's the use in worrying? Maybe you have to go through that to get here. Who knows?

November 13th, 2009

Crazy On You

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facepalm
Damn, chicks is crazy. I only say that cause well... I am one. And it's true.

Last night I had another extreeeeeemely embarrassing moment in front of, well, let's just call him a bright spot on the horizon. I don't know what he is. We're okay with that. He's probably reading this. hahaha

Anyway, it got me thinking when I woke up this morning. There are lots of women who say "If women are crazy, it's because men made them that way." I actually don't agree with that, though I used to. I think that women are crazy. There's no getting around it.

I think what happens, however, is that men ENCOURAGE the crazy by not dealing with it. I think a lot of guys (thankfully not the one I referred to earlier) see a girl cry for what they think is no reason, get frustrated, and take the frustration out on its source... the girl. Then she cries harder, and she gets crazier, and before you know it- Armageddon.

Trust me, we don't always understand what makes us do crazy things. Those of us who are not actually certifiably crazy-- we generally benefit from being gently reminded that we are cared for, but that we are not being ourselves at the moment. I'm speaking to the men here- You've GOT to find a way to do that VERY SENSITIVELY, though... or she will feel attacked. Which will make her more crazy.

Men cannot possibly understand the role that hormones play in the crazy... when men have a surge of hormones, they want to screw, eat, or destroy something. Nobody sees that as crazy, it's just "the way men are."

When women have a surge of hormones, we want to eat something, preferably as much of something as we can... then we have guilt because we don't want to get fat. When women have a surge of hormones, we already FEEL fat. We have no idea how you could possibly still think we're pretty. We can't think straight. We are frustrated. We want to scream, want to cry, want to understand WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME??!?! I USED TO BE SO NORMAL!

So for as much as you guys don't get where we're coming from and think we're "crazy?" Well, we don't quite understand it either, but it happens. So next time your girl gets crazy? Try this. Give her a kiss and tell her you still think she's beautiful. It will shock the hell out of her, which should give you time to run. ;)

November 12th, 2009

My Life Is Awesome.

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fearedloved
Today, I went to WalMart (there's a new one by my house!) to pick up some stuff for game night tonight.

I was waiting in line at the Speedy Checkout, and these ladies in front of me had more than 20 items. I was irritated. That's the reason they say 20 items, because that's what keeps it SPEEDY! So here I am, all cranky- and this guy is pushing his cart up like he's gonna edge me out.

I was not having it. That's when this old man walks up. He had to be in his 70s, white hair, kind of hunched over, age spots all over his face. He marches right up to me and says "Are you ready, young lady?"

I give him a puzzled look, push my cart forward a little and say "Yes." I have no idea what he's asking me if I'm ready for.

That's when he starts in on this little story- "A fish is swimming along, turns right and bumps his head." I look at him with this puzzled look on my face. "So he backs up, swims a little farther, turns right and bumps his head again. So he backs up, swims a little farther, turns right and bumps his head and says 'Damn!'" I blink my eyes a few times, processing what he's just told me.

OH! Dam! HAHAHA! I started laughing really hard, and the man behind me was also laughing- so the man just keeps on in. He is telling us joke after joke until a cashier comes over and opens a new line. Both he and the man behind me say they'll allow me to be the first person she rings up- and I say "Good I have to get home and cook for a bunch of people!" He says "Well I'm coming over! What's your address?!" I said "I'm not telling, but if you can find it, you can have dinner!"

He turns to the cashier and says "I'm following her home!" He gives her a piece of candy and says "That's for you!" He takes the opportunity to heckle her about how slowly she's ringing up my items, and is just chatting with everyone. As I lean over to swipe my card to finish the transaction, I brushed against his shoulder.

He leans in to me and rubs up against me again- turns to me and says "That's the most sex I've had all day!" I look at him in astonishment and he asks me "Was it as good for you?"

I laugh and say "Absolutely," as I take my bags and reciept.

I love my life... if I hadn't lost my job... I'd have been at work and never met this adorable little old man who brightened everyone's day for at least 5 minutes. It's just one more thing that makes me realize-- there are no coincidences. Everything in your life is as it should be... even if it doesn't feel like it.

February 10th, 2009

A Life Less Ordinary

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So I went to see the movie Milk tonight.  It is nominated for 8 Academy Awards, including Best Picture.  Kudos to the Academy for that... because the movie was AMAZING.

I see films like this and they inspire me.  Sometimes random people that I meet inspire me. 

I've been inspired a lot lately.  I met some people in New Orleans this past weekend that inspired me.  Some who just encouraged my writing, having never even read it (which is brave, cause sometimes its BAD) some who have lived out exceptional adventures and make me want to have more of my own, and some people who flat out have just about nothing going for them but the fact that they have both legs and walk upright.

I have repeated this so many times that it must sound hackneyed by now- I WANT TO BE EXCEPTIONAL.

I don't want to be famous- but I want to live the kind of life that makes people wish they'd known me.  I want to change something for someone, maybe everyone.  I want to be able to look at the mark I left on the people or the world around me and be able to feel proud.

I've always been a girl with a cause.  The environment.  Civil Rights. Sub-standard housing. Clean drinking water for all people.  End poverty. End hunger.  Help children. Save New Orleans!

You name it, I will jump in and take up the cross, because I care.

But I've noticed... I've always kind of kept my caring at arm's length.  My heart's true passion- while watching footage in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina- was to DROP EVERYTHING and rush in to help.  I was ready to leave that minute.  I waited- because of work, ostensibly, but looking back I know- that's a job I could've taken time off from so easily.  What would it have mattered if I was fired from that job?!  That job was NOTHING in the scheme of my life.

I waited 2 years before I finally reached the area that reached out and grabbed my heart from so many miles away.  But I went- and was forever changed by the city of New Orleans, by the residents of Plaquemine's Parish, by the undying spirit and charm and everything that could've been so easily swept away in the winds and waters.

I went this weekend- and joy surged into my heart as I met people from all over the country- the world even, mingling there in the Crescent City... there to party, to work, to run, to have a good time and do it in style in the Big Easy.  Where your cares melt away and you are left with what really matters in life- love, friendships and moments that simply cause you to stand back and be grateful for everything you have.

I stood back- and realized that my life is, and has always been- mired in the details.  I've always been a detail oriented person- and normally I'd say that's a good thing... but when the details cloud the bigger picture- it's time to step back.  I am always constantly amazed by people that do big things with their lives... especially people who do big things at a young age.  I always wonder what separates me from those people.  I'm nearly 30 years old, and I don't really see much worthy of being called exceptional in the life I've lived already.  Some may argue, and that's not what I'm looking for so much as making a call to action for myself...

So as I wondered what separates me from those who have gone out and had life's great adventures, those who have accomplished many things before they've accrued many years, the people who dream big and do bigger... I realized- the dividing line is something so obvious... something so little yet so big that it cripples most of us where we stand.  It's FEAR.

I refuse to let my life be guided by fear.  I have hereby declared 2009 the year of "Why Not?" 

It's time to stand up and be exceptional.  Why not?

August 28th, 2008

hug it out, bitch.

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Okay, so I don't know if it's just this working from home thing, or if something else is really bothering me.  I've got that longing wistful feeling that I sometimes get upon the approach of fall.

I guess I have come to associate this panging with lonliness.  Which is kind of why I feel like the working at home thing might be part of what's bothering me.  I'm used to having a roommate.  I mean, Kim was always around to talk to or just to generally chill with on the couch.  She was there when I wanted to unload my latest story of how I'm an idiot and falling for some guy friend of mine, or how some boy did me wrong, or I gave my number to some guy and he didn't call.  Or even when work just sucked and I needed to vent or whatever.

And honestly, I love my alone time- I neeeeed my alone time.  The only way I can go out and deal with the rest of the world is to have some time alone to decompress.  I am such a social person, and I give so much of myself away (get your minds out of the gutter, I'm being serious here!) to people- that I really have to have some time alone to re-charge.

But I think this is why I keep so busy all of the time- because if I stop, and have time to just hang around and do nothing... it always comes back to how lonely I feel.

Haha when I lived with Kim, I used to say that I wanted to go get a hotel room and just lock myself in there alone all day.  Just to be alone and have some space... now the tables have turned- I'm constantly looking for something to go out and do in the evenings- constantly clamoring for people to be around.  I feel like it's making me needy.  I feel like when I normally would come home, I just don't want to anymore.

Gosh I don't know- for some reason, I just feel like I can't shake off the sad!

August 24th, 2008

robbed

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 damnit i wrote a whole post about how much I love Bob Costas and LJ ate it.

Damn you, LJ for eating my Bob Costas love.

August 20th, 2008

I give up

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I did it for so long, titling my LJ entries after songs... but screw it.  I can't do it anymore.

It's really the reason I stopped writing for so long.

SO anyway, I'm in Omaha, NE right now... woot.  I  notice I only get online and write when I'm lonely by myself in a hotel room.  And well, I just paid $85 for this fragging laptop cord, so I'm gonna get some use out of it. 

Ok- sooo- I definitely have to stay up and watch the beach volleyball gold medal round, b/c I forgot to DVR it.  Damn, I love volleyball.

Back later.

April 29th, 2008

I've Been Everywhere

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 HI!!

It's your world (ok nation) travelling friend back with another update of where I will be going...

I don't have dates for any of these locales yet, but I wouldn't post those anyway.  Safety first!

If any of you live in or around the following cities, I might be headed your way at some point within the next 2 years... I got assigned to a study that should be lasting that long and my sites are in the following locations:

Spokane, WA
Mayfield Village, OH
Rockford, IL
Palm Desert, CA
Gallipolis, OH
Colorado Springs, CO
Boise, ID
Palo Alto, CA

So- holler at your girl (haha i always wanted to say that) if you have any info about any of these places that you would like to share with me... like, what part of town should I stay in?  Where's a great place to grab a beer/hang out?  Is there some kind of local food that I just have to try while I'm there... for that matter, where the hell ARE some of these places?!  j/k

It's been a while since I wrote in this darn thing... but I have to say, life is good.  Really good.  I love my job, I love my life.  Last weekend I was a bridesmaid in a wedding for 2 of my closest friends... it was fabulous.  I'll post a pic here just to prove it :)

The Pretty Committee at Megan and Steve's wedding :)
The Pretty Committee, back together at last... ;)

April 8th, 2008

Yeah, like what-- a month?  Do any of you even care what I have to say anymore?

Oh well, who cares?! hahaha

Um, let's see.  Been busy traveling for work. In one week I went several different places.

Harrisburg, PA
Willow Grove, PA
Elizabethtown, KY
Salt Lake City, UT
Boise, ID
Denver, CO.

I didn't get to spend long in any of those places, really.  Well longer in Harrisburg and Boise than any of the others.  That was a hella long week.

What else? Um, still managing to get myself in trouble here and there, but most of it is good trouble and I've been having fun.

Got CRAZY sunburned at the Reds game on Sunday- that was a good day. (despite the burning)  Amy bought me a Persian Nut sundae from Graeters'.  What a good friend she is. :D

Got to hang out with Liz Monroe last week, she was in b/c her dad had to have open heart surgery.  So if y'all are praying people- do pray for his recovery.  I hear he is doing much better now. 

Gosh, guys, my life's pretty boring lately, really, so I don't have much to say.  Just thought I'd check in.
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