I've spent the last half hour crying tears of joy. I know it seems silly, but when my body doesn't have a reaction for an emotion, the tears start pouring.
I am so damn happy.
This is a happy that transcends my circumstances. I don't have a job. I'm not altogether sure if I'll have enough $$ to pay my rent on time this month. Doesn't even matter. I'll do my best, that's for sure, but I just... can't let it get me down.
Last night, I went out with my sister for her birthday. For the FIRST time, I did not feel insecure or nervous in the places she likes to hang out. I was able to see the situation, and myself IN it for what it truly was. There are a lot of sad, broken people in those places- and for a change- I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!
I don't think I have to be as skinny, as "pretty," or as DRUNK as those girls are anymore! A shift has occurred. I still prefer NOT to be in those places where everyone is posturing and competing for attention... but now, I have perspective.
I've seen myself through someone else's eyes for a change. I can look at myself and see the girl who is "cute" even when she's looking like a hot mess. I see myself as the positive person who can find the good in any situation. I see myself as capable, smart, kind and funny.
I finally am able to realize all the things that I am- that people have been telling me all along. Why didn't I listen? Who knows? But I'm listening now. And I'm SO GRATEFUL for those of you who have been telling me.
I know, that even if my life and current situations don't work out the way I want them to... I have something to take with me from this period in my life. Perspective. The ability to see myself for what I TRULY AM.